Ride the waves of life my friend
Some high, some fierce, some with no end.
But you’ll not be washed away by them
If you can ride the waves of life my friend. -Sara Rosenfeld
Well, ya’ll, it happened. On March 20, 2024 I turned 50! Do I feel different? Not really, but I do feel so much gratitude and full-up with love, friendship, and the most amazing memories! Best birthday ever! I am still riding the high of these memories over a month later. In today's high-speed society, where we blink and it’s onto the next thing–that’s saying A LOT!
I want to share with you the importance of rites of passage in our society, especially because so much of these celebrations are disappearing. And what better example than my 50th birthday as a part of my 50 Shades of Wisdom series.
But let’s start at the beginning.
After basically missing three birthday celebrations during the pandemic, and with this being the big 50, I was one hundred percent in the “go big or go home” mentality! So, in July of 2023, we booked flights to Maui, places to stay, and sent out “save the date” cards.
Then life happened.
Aloha Amidst the Ashes
A month after planning this trip, in August 2023, the iconic, culturally historic, and much beloved city of Lahaina experienced a tragic wildfire. We watched the video footage in shock while reading about the horrors facing so many.
As we know life is both/and, grief/joy, love/loss. This fire put these dualities on full display.
It did not go unnoticed by my wife and me that we chose this beloved place to celebrate a rite of passage like my 50th AND that I’ve been delving more purposefully into the cycles of life and death with particular focus on end of life over the past five years.
Fire is one example where nature proudly says, “Burn it all down to rebuild again,” then hands us the mirror expecting us to see the signs of life and beauty amongst the destruction.
Not easy and a harsh reality. Similarly, when someone dies and we fall to our knees with sadness and grief, we often have a celebration of life where we still laugh, find joy, and make meaning amidst the ashes.
We were made for this time. In fact, we probably need to work on holding both happiness and sadness at the same time especially during our current moment living in a climate changed world.
We wondered if we should change our travel plans. Because I believe in holding the “both/and” perspective, we decided to wait and see what the months held and how things shook out after the fire.
As one might expect, after the fire the tourism economy crashed and people were hoping it would return to support local economies. Ultimately, after listening to several voices, we decided to still travel to Maui and I am so glad we did.
From a source online, “15 officials estimated 3,200 had burned. Together, those estimates represent more than 10 square miles of Maui's total area of 735 square miles.”1
Much of Maui’s beautiful energy and magick had endured. One inspiring story rising out of the ashes is that the historic 150-year-old Banyan tree2 in Lahaina town survived the fire and is working to thrive. And yet, the entire island has been and still is affected, even if it wasn’t directly impacted by the fire.
Driving through the Charred Aftermath
On the way to our home for the week we did drive by the immense change caused by the fire along the main road. Seeing the path of the fire on TV and witnessing it with your own eyes does feel different. The presence of burned cars illustrated how quickly the flames raged as people may not have even had time to outrun the fire and drive away. It looked like what one imagines as an apocalyptic scene.
Living in a tourist town, I am well aware of the delicate balance between tourists and locals as well as the tensions of colonizer/colonized dynamics. For example, tourism changes the dynamics of a place–some praise the jobs that come with it and the influx of money into the local economy. Others recognize how it impacts local communities with rising prices or costs of housing and in particular how it affects indigenous Hawaiians3 and their culture.
As tourists, we listened to locals when the moments presented themselves. We donated food to one of the sites that was set up for support. We also donated money to a local fund.
Most of us have been (or will be) tourists at some point and we can strive to educate ourselves about local politics and vote to keep people in office who value sovereignty and people over profits. Maui for sure needs this as it rebuilds and tries to keep wealthy investors at bay.
Since returning to spring snow storms in my mountain town in Northern AZ, in my heart and mind I am living on the magikal island of Maui with my loved ones watching the sun set into the ocean after a week sailing under the stars, dancing by the light of the full moon, and riding the waves on an island journey that was full of surprises.
Don’t Overlook it: Rites of Passage as Essential for Human Experience
As a ceremonialist and communication studies educator, it is my strong belief that it is very important for people to mark rites of passage in their communities. Unfortunately, the word “ritual” is loaded in our culture, even though we practice them all the time (weddings, baby showers, funerals, and more).
A ritual is a set of actions that we perform to illustrate symbolic value and/or to create meaning.
Being in a community as a part of a circle of loved ones and the importance of ritual in human lives are wisdoms I have gained and experiences I have come to cherish. As my good friend Keith Caplin says, “Magick happens when we gather.”
Cultures around the world mark rites of passage in various ways. Some common examples of honoring events in our human lives might be: birth, puberty (e.g. maiden ceremonies celebrating a woman's moon cycle/menstruation), coming of age, graduation, marriage or the union of two people in love (a Celtic Handfasting), divorce (a Celtic hand-parting), retirement, and death.
Some of these rites of passage have been increasingly de-ritualized OR are almost non-existent like death and dying (de-ritualized) or maiden ceremonies (found in some neo-pagan circles but not the norm so almost non-existent) but I will save that for another Substack post.
Rites of passage mark the transition from one stage in life to another, from one identity to another, or from one important event to another.
Redefining the Spectrum of Family Structures
Many of these rites of passage are celebrated with family. Many dear ones in the LGBTQIAP+ community, once they come out about who they truly are, face ostracization from their families of origin. This unfortunate reality amplifies the significance of intentional or chosen family.
Moreover, years of working in womyn’s community has taught me there is value in nurturing family relationships of your own choosing because often what we desire and crave from our “bio families” (short for biological families) is not showing up for us.
Redefining family is possible and rewarding but can be hard. Our concept of family is a part of a system and this system does whatever it can to maintain the status quo. So choosing your family can lead to some push-back from the family of origin folks and others. But creating different ideas of what defines a family is indeed queer.
One of the most simple definitions of queer was articulated by David Halperin. He wrote that “Queer is by definition whatever is at odds with the normal, the legitimate, the dominant.”4 Ask a queer theorist and they may not necessarily like this definition for a variety of reasons that are beyond what we are discussing here.
On the ground, out here in the world, it makes sense to lots of us that don’t fit the status quo or norm.
Deciding to define family as a mixture of family of origin and intentional peeps is your choice.
After all, the whole idea is to have a community of people who support you through the good, the bad, and the ugly times of life. It doesn’t matter if they share your DNA.
Aloha 50! Celebrating Five Eras where the Ocean meets the Sky
I started kicking off my 50’s celebration with a special birthday logo made by my talented Aunt Judi! She incorporated some loves of mine with fav colors, the ocean, the moon, the stars and a birthday intention/mantra I felt encompassed my last five decades– Embracing Life’s Waves. I thought a lot about this. I have always wanted to surf so “riding life's waves” connected with me but with my back, surfing is for another lifetime.
Moreover, I resonated with the notion of “embracing” because it acknowledges that life’s waves can be tumultuous, and the journey may not always be smooth sailing. However, by accepting this reality and embracing it, we can fully immerse ourselves in the present moment and what life’s journey entails.
This fit for me especially as I approached the milestone of turning 50. I had fun making drink koozies with the logo for everyone, using it for a fun invitation, and I even made myself a custom tank top–thank you Etsy!
My wife and I arrived ahead of our guests by a couple days and to spend my actual birthday day on the island. On my birthday we got up pretty early to watch the sun come up as whales breached in the distance and turtles swam below. We could see so much beauty just from our balcony!
Being me, I was excited to decorate. I hung festive birthday banners and organized the kitchen in our rental. My main love language is giving, so I was like a kid in a candy store, thrilled to assemble birthday gift bags filled with a few of my favorite things for our friends just like when we were little. (I had gotten these awesome beach bags with elephants on them in Thailand a couple months earlier.)
My wife was acting like there was nothing special planned for the day/night and kept saying sorry she should have planned better. After a while she told me she was able to get dinner reservations at a popular restaurant but that she found a place to go look at the sunset first.
We drove up a hill and followed a car through some gates that were opening. I said, “I don’t think we can go in here, it's a private resort.” She assured me it was fine. Embracing the more rebellious waves of my 20's, I thought OK–what the hell,let’s go in!
Before I knew it, we were greeted by an employee who whisked us away on a golf cart to our private dinner spot where our personal chef awaited, all while the sun began its descent into the sea.
I felt like I was on the bachelorette being driven to a secluded romantic dinner spot! It was an out of this world experience and surprise of a lifetime!
And this, my friends, was how the week started! Each day kept getting better. The next day we spent picking friends up at the airport. We bought Hawaiian leis for everyone at Costco (pro tip–they are cheapest there) and we welcomed everyone to our island home away from home.
We had lots of fun activities planned for the next few days, including a sunset evening cruise, a birthday party at the beach house with the theme “The 5 Eras of Madrone,” whale watching with Pacific Whale Foundation, a beach photo shoot, arrow break and labyrinth walk for my rite of passage ceremony.
There were too many highlights to discuss but let me touch on a few. First, let me say, if you are at a loss for a theme party to mark a decade birthday, it was a blast having people dress up like me over the years in everything from overalls, to bell bottoms, hippie chic, eighties, witchy wear, and more.
When celebrating a rite of passage, it helps to organize your events around the activities we do as a society to mark these events. One example is a professional photo shoot. These are often the norm for an engagement, marriage, bio family reunion, or graduation. I decided to hire a photographer for a sunset beach photoshoot for our friends.
I started looking for photographers and found Capture Aloha. I gave them a call to talk details and also to make sure they were “okay with the gays.” The last thing I wanted was to arrive all dressed up and have a homophobic photographer! So I clearly asked “Are you all ok working with gay people.” and she responded, “Of course and I am so sorry you have to ask that question.” Right answer. It is a shame we still live in a world where this type of question is uttered but it is the reality at the moment. I booked the shoot!
Our photo shoot was at the end of our first full day in Maui and we had had a great afternoon hearing the humpback whales with our own ears under the water (an epic experience) and swimming with a huge sea turtle! Basically a day of pretending we were mermaids. For the photos I thought it would be cool to also make a flower mandala together so we went back to our place to put on our faces, bought the flowers, and headed to the beach.
Photos tell a story and story is important for rites of passage.
Throughout the week there were beautiful moments where people were telling stories of how I had influenced them in their lives. Let's be real for a moment: you have to be a champion receiver to be able to handle this type of reflection about yourself. If this terrifies you I invite you to try. Try to listen to what others love about you. We don’t brag about ourselves enough and our friends love us so let them do it! You would share how amazing they are in a second right?!
You are just as worthy of this adoration.
For example, my friend Heather made a super thoughtful video with friends recording little love notes filled with good laughs and meaningful observations for me. It also started with a slideshow of photos of my life from the day I was born to now. 50 Eras of Madrone. I still can’t believe it.
And all my older friends will say, “You're just a baby,” but age is of course relative and we might not feel old but living five decades is real and you have had experiences! You have been living life and have wisdom to share!
Don’t wait until you have taken off your earth robes, watching from another realm, to see this sort of retrospective of your life.
Rites of passage give us this opportunity to reflect, celebrate, and embrace change rather than dread it!
The final pieces of magick at the photo shoot were the honu (the Hawaiin name for green sea turtle) that was resting on the beach for our entire shoot and the almost full moon! I could not believe the turtle was there. The symbolic spiritual meaning of turtle can include wisdom, trusting your path, and longevity which all felt perfect for a 50th birthday celebration!
It was a total blast taking these pictures and making the mandala was super fun too. As an aside, I now appreciate how much it costs, and how many flowers you would need, to make a full mandala! We bought A LOT of flowers and it was beautiful despite its sandy spaces!
The next night my parents, sister and two nephews flew in and we went on a sunset cruise. Lots of laughs and memories made. The following evening we had the theme party hosted by my parents. They surprised me with some live local music. Loved it and especially the cake!
The last morning was the full moon. We woke up early and had a once and a lifetime whale watch with the Pacific Whale Foundation. We were witness to a “competition pod” of five whales that swam right toward our boat and underneath us. I was in tears the whole time in awe of these gentle giants of the sea.
The ability to see the girth of them and to hear them breathing is indescribable. The wildlife biologists on board said that you could go years never seeing what we saw that day. Birthday full moon magick in full force!
That evening we circled together for a hike out to a beautiful Dragon’s Teeth Labyrinth overlooking the ocean. I had asked my friends Christian and Keith to put together an arrow break ceremony to mark my rite of passage turning 50. The three of us completed our Firewalk Instructor and Spiritual Leadership training together with Sundoor School of Transpersonal Education in 2022.
During this program we also learned to facilitate the transformational arrow break and glass walk experiences. I thought it would be meaningful to break an arrow with strong intention as I walked into my next decade. And of course being the community weaver I am, I wanted to share this with my family.
It was also a rare opportunity for my parents, sister, and nephews to be witness to the spiritual community I adore. Community is near and dear to my heart and a huge piece of who I am. It is something I have worked to cultivate in a variety of ways since my late 20s and so it meant a lot to me to share this ceremony with them.
My friends co-created a ceremony filled with much love and complete with a local friend of a friend who made me a Hawaiian flower crown. I truly felt like the goddexx I am! Finally at 50 LOL.
But in all seriousness there is something about 50 that ushers in the realization that I have done lots of work to get to where I am on this earth walk and I am gonna live it up now whenever possible!
You start to hear more comments like “life is short” and you begin to truly appreciate that too!
The preciousness of everything seems more raw at halfway to 100.
This labyrinth spot was something to write home about alone but combined with the finale of the cotton candy sunset that night–I was on beauty and gratitude overload!
Thank you for joining me on this journey down memory lane, reflecting on the unforgettable highlights of an epic and magickal birthday week. It has been a source of inspiration and contemplation, marking the significant milestone of my first five decades of life. I feel extremely blessed and filled with so much love.
There is a lot of magick on the island of Maui that mixed well with the energy of our group. Together it was an alchemy of souls taking a pause from the firestorm of life that can get us all kinds of upset (for good reason) these days.
I want to make crystal clear that celebrating your milestones or rites of passage does not require trips to exotic islands and more.
It does require you to do something different, out of the ordinary.
A simple photo shoot could be set up with a tripod or friend with your guests dressing up in a theme you like. Or you could ask loved ones to send a friend one thing they appreciate about you or a piece of wisdom they have gained from knowing and have a friend read it out loud to you on your birthday.
Whatever it is, do something different than every other birthday. Or, if you don’t really celebrate, make it a point to this time. Celebrate in a way that significantly marks the moment as unique from the others. If you can’t think of something, drop me a line and I will help you co-create something unforgettable. It’s what I do best.
Embrace the transformative power of redefining family dynamics, honoring pivotal life moments, and genuinely cherishing the love others hold for you.
Let’s seize every opportunity to celebrate your unique greatness without hesitation.
After all, as the 50-somethings would say, life’s too short!
Photo Note: My family of origin are not pictured in this article out of respect for boundaries they have articulated related to photos being posted in public spaces. Rest assured, we were smiling ear to ear!
Inspiring post to prioritize milestones, documenting and celebrate the life lessons that come with those life check points. Thanks for sharing!!!